Stupid, Shiny Cullen Cars
by My-Bella
Summary: Rated "M" for suggestive & naughty language. 'Sexy Cars' takes on a whole new meaning in this one shot about the Cullen family autos. This is a Cookie League production. If you enjoy, please check out our other stories.


Disclaimer: Often imitated…never duplicated!

Haley - Edward's Volvo

Alessandro - Edward's Aston Martin

Gunz - Emmett's Jeep

Trixie - Jasper's Motorcyle

Lola - Rosalie's BMW convertible

Rusty - Bella's Truck

Loki / Sophia - Alice's Porsche

Darla - Carlisle's Mercedes 

**Meet the Stupid, Shiny, Cullen Cars!**

**This has been a Cookie League Production!**

My name is Trixie! I love my master and rider Jasper Hale Cullen! We like to go for long rides! Speaking of long I don't know if it's the purr of my engine or that spiky haired girl but he has pitched a few tents while riding me! giggle that man sure can ride! I am so happy that, that Bella told her boyfriend -my original master- that she couldn't keep up with me! Now I have my jasper and the wind can't even cool me down anymore when HE is riding! I like to be parked next to Lola so we can talk about all the new seat covers she should get! And then we go over what kind of side bags won't make my rear tire look big!

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I am Alessandro. My name drips with the sex appeal my beautiful body exudes. I do not know what is wrong with Edward, but if he is too afraid to be a man to that sexy vixen Bella, I will do it for him. When her thighs slide across my rich leather seat, my entire frame shakes. But I must be careful, for the last time that occurred, I was subjected to a fully cavity search as Edward feared there was a problem with my parts.

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You have crossed onto my sacred ritual area now you must pay, for I am the mighty Loki! They call me the Porsche of doom! I have done my fair share of waiting to be freed from the warehouse and now I shall have my revenge on those evil manufactures for letting me sit for a whole week! With my master's power I shall rule the world! I will keep her in a cage for her protection, she maybe a vampire but you never know what those rebels will do! I really wish she would stop calling me Sophia though!

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Hey there youngin! My name is Rusty! And let me tell you that little girl Isabella is one of the most respectful girls to walk the earth! Not like that Jacob, he didn't want me cause I was old! But that suits me just fine. I like being old you don't have to rush things. Part of me misses Billy though, he understood me. I could go over 55 if I wanted to but I want them to slow down and relax! I am mighty grateful that that Edward fellow didn't let things get bloody that icy day at the school. I still wonder why they left me on the side of the road out in the middle of nowhere one day. Hiking isn't as fun as driving! Listen to your elders people!

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I am Lola. That's right. Don't resist the urge. Say my name again and enjoy the way it rolls of your tongue, like a beautiful purr. But do not worship me with your tongue, no matter how much you want to. You will leave spots on my beautiful paint job. I am more beautiful than my owner, but do not tell that to her. She will scratch us both, as she can be rather catty for a vampire. And when that gorgeous hunk she calls a husband squeezes into me ... Perfection! Another word that rolls of the tongue.

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Haley, as in Haley's comet. His smooth velvet voice whispers my name as he runs a hand across my grill. It's too low for anyone else to hear but me. I am special in a way that Bella girl will never be. While he has hardly touched her, his hands have been_ everywhere_ on me. He tweaks my knobs gently, and caresses my wheel sweetly. But when he slams his foot against my pedal, all pretenses of him being a gentleman fly away faster than my speedometer. Every three months, he unfailingly checks my oil, and leaves me anticipating my next tune up. The girl is right about one thing ... He _is_ a God.

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Sup? I am Gunz. My master usually takes his family hunting with me. But I am used for _much _more than off road trails. My headliner has been replaced so many times that I lost count after 37. Every time dear Rosalie leaves heel prints in my headliner, she feels the need to replace it. And the family still doesn't know why she spends so much time with me. If they did, they would never come near me again! But oh, if only soft, loud, and sexy Rosalie would come here without Emmett, I would show her how to make her usual sounds much louder... But I feel that he would get jealous and throw her away so he could have just me, but I could never live without my dear Rosalie! So I must always be good with her when he is around.

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Hello I am Darla. I am the most respected of my family's cars. Carlisle loves me, and has kept me away from his vile children. Though I love him too, I have a secret love for Haley's Edward, he keeps me in perfect condition, as is his body! But sadly, Haley is much too possessive of him, and I rarely get him! But I do get to keep Carlisle! And though I have never been defiled by Emmett and Rosalie,_Esme_and Carlisle have defiled me many times. If only the children knew how much they acted like Emmett and Rosalie sometimes, they would be appalled! Esme is a nice woman, but I hate her. She has kept my dear sweet Carlisle away from me for far too long!

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Confessions from those stupid, shiny, Cullen cars!

A confession from Haley

I'm a...I'm a...I AM DEFILED! I was saving myself for Edward, but I am an innocent Haley, no more! My leather has been tarnished and my headliner ripped, and yet Edward will never know since Rosalie has already repaired the damage. Go on! Replace the interior, you vile, wretched woman. But you cannot heal the scars I carry on my inside. But if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you leave the big guy behind for a bit. I have a few things I'd like to try that I know Edward would never allow.

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A confession from Rusty

I have a story for you children. Back in the day I saw a lot of things pass through my bed. That's what a truck is for after all. I even had to see Billy and his wife back there or rather _feel_them back there. But when that mike fellow tried to climb back there with Jessica I slammed my tailgate on the boy. He should know better than to do that before he is married even more so in MY bed! No boy should ever disrespect a man's bed like that!

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A confession from Trixie

this is my deepest darkest secret that only Lola knows! But sometimes I wish the old master, Edward and the new master, Jasper, would take me for a spin...together. The old master has a pair of jeans with perfect tushy fade marks. If only Edward weren't such a prude we could have a nice, long, three way ride. Oh well, I still have jasper and of course I have been parked next to Darla before and had to witness their kinky car fetish!

The End.

This has been brought to you by Hellopants, Angelic Messenger17, and My-Bella.


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